Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

The only thing I will never do again

I found out I was pregnant after school on May 10, 2006. I was alone, and I couldn't believe what the test was telling me. I never thought I would have to consider abortion. I always thought pregnancy for me would occur in my twenties when I was ready. I just remember falling to the floor and crying. I tried calling my boyfriend and he wasn't answering the phone like he said he would. I was in a panic. I started looking at baby names. I then started searching information on abortion. I couldn't make up my mind. I finally got a hold of my boyfriend and we talked. We decided not to tell anyone and that we should first consider abortion. I was so scared that if I confided in anyone else that they would be one sided and pressure me into what they thought was right. I wanted to just talk to someone that would look at both sides of the spectrum.

The next day we went to Planned Parenthood and I found out that I was 16 days. I had to go through a process through DSHS to get financial aid because I was afraid to tell my parents, even though I knew they would help me and be supportive no matter what my choice. I felt, though, that I got myself into this situation and had to make my own choices and not involve any one else. May 23, about a week or so before I was set for my abortion, my boyfriend got arrested and was in juvenile detention for 30 days. I couldn't wait for him to get out to make my final decision. We had no contact so we couldn't talk our decision through. I had to make up my mind on my own. I confided in my closest friends and they supported my decision.

I went in for my abortion on June 1, 2006. When my friends and I drove up to the clinic there were protesters outside. Seeing them standing with their signs, made me feel so ashamed and I realized that what I was going to do was a reality. I was considering the pill form of abortion, though changed my mind and decided otherwise. I chose to do vacuum aspiration. They had to do an sonogram and I asked to see what my baby looked like. I saw the print-out of the sonogram and I couldn't believe I had a life growing inside me. Those moments on that metal table were short but the most painful memories I will have in my life. I don't remember too much, just flashes because they shot some type of drug in my vein to ease the pain and help me not remember. I remember crying about my boyfriend not being there. I was so angry at him. I remember I tried rolling over on the table after they were done and trying to fall asleep. I was so drowsy, tired, and upset. When I came to, they helped me walk into a seperate room and sit until I felt well. It didn't hurt physically as much as I thought it would. It took some time for it to hit me emotionally. I guess I tried to push it aside and not think about what I had just done.

It has been 3 months and 19 days after my abortion. I go on ok. Though there are the nights that I have nightmares about it, the nights I feel like a murderer, the nights I cry myself into a sleep. The only thing in my life I will never be sure if I made the right choice, the only thing I have and will regret. The only thing I will never do again. My baby, I never gave you a chance, I'll never know you. Never see what you would become. I can not say for sure if I made the right choice or the wrong one. Though I made the choice I made and that is what I have to live with. I am still pro-choice, though it is an ugly truth. My boyfriend and I are still together. We worked through it all and we both have talked about the abortion. We both feel regret that we had to make such a decision, one I wish no one would have to face. Though we both agree, we'll never go through another abortion. If we get pregnant again, it was meant to be. I will not use abortion as a form of birth control and I hope others see it that way too. This is a serious choice, something that will change you, if you choose to have an abortion or not. But whatever choice you make, it is the right one.

Posted 15 Oct 2006

Copyright 2006 by Pregnant Pause
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