Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

The long road to healing

by Karen H.

I was 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I could not believe it happened to me! I was a sophmore in college. My boyfriend told me he would do what ever I wanted, "afterall it was my body." I knew my boyfriend wanted the baby because a previous girlfriend had had an abortion and I remember holding him in my arms as he wept for his unborn child. But he never put it into words. I so much wanted someone to take the decision-making process out of my hands and tell me what to do. I didn't discuss it with anyone else because I thought if I decided on an abortion then no one need know I was ever pregnant. I weighed the pros and cons of having a baby. I saw no way we could support ourselves or a child. I wanted to finish school! I thought about all the other girls that I knew that had abortions. They seemed to be doing OK. I didn't realize how we all hide our pain, this huge facade we present to the world ... Anyway, I had the abortion. No one can understand the pain, the emptiness I felt as I walked out of that clinic. I saw the same look on so many others.

My boyfriend and I never talked about it again. But it hung between us like death. I was never the same again and neither was our relationship. It was an unspoken taboo between us. I was in soooo much pain. I started doing things I had never done before. Although my boyfriend had used drugs I never had until ... It was like I had done the worst thing I could do so there was nothing holding me back anymore. By the grace of God I knew this wasn't me. So I did not pursue it for long. But I would cry all the time. I never cried in front of anybody because I thought I was the only one who was having this "problem". There was a constant feeling of melancholy in my heart. Eventually, I learned to push it to the back of my mind but it would always creep out to break my heart again and again.

When I was about 27 years old I came to know Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. I knew God had forgiven me for having the abortion. I had a certain amount of peace in my life that I had not known for a long time. I thought that was all I could hope for. I knew I still had to live with the consequences of the abortion. I was so grateful to God for the peace in my heart. I still had times of grief and remorse but nothing like what I had been living with.

God is so good! God wanted more healing for me. A couple of years later, He led me to our local PHC to the PACE Bible study they had. It was such a blessing. Through this Bible study I resolved a lot of issues concerning the abortion. I learned to forgive myself and Jesus released me from the bondage of pain and regret. Glory to God. He wanted me healed, delivered and set free. He wanted me whole! God is so loving and forgiving. He reaches out his hand even to us who felt we were undeserving of such love and compassion. He doesn't want us to carry this heavy load of guilt and shame. He wants us to give it over to his Son Jesus who is so much more capable of carrying it. He truely binds up the broken hearted and gives us the oil of joy for mourning!

I'm 36 years old now. Just this past spring I went to a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat for the weekend. I went asking God to complete the healing process He had started. God is so good and so faithful. The weekend was wonderful. We cried together. We hugged. We even laughed together. But more importantly Jesus showed up and transformed lives! He revealed to me how I've been carrying around a burden of guilt for the pain I had caused my husband ... You see I married my boyfriend. He made me realize I cannot heal my husband. I need to let him seek healing from God himself as you must do too. No one can do it for you. You must take that first step to seek Him out. But I guarantee He will meet you there and you won't be disappointed! Glory to God!

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.