Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

Why can't I just go on?

by M. V.

Five days into the semester and three weeks into my relationship and I discover news that has since turned my heart and soul upside down. I looked to my roomate and my sister for talks about the physical things I was feeling. I never once referred to it as any more than a "problem". I was going to go in there and do it, walk out and forget it ever happened, right?

My emotions were turned inside out, I would get so upset for really no reason. I had no control over what I was feeling or how to deal with it. I was so confused. The last thing that I wanted to think about was the abortion and it seemed as if I had no choice. There were many nights where my boyfriend was ready to take me to the hospital and have me committed, he thought I was crazy; but then he didn't know what I had done. I thought I would never have to tell him. I was in such denial, I just didn't know what to do. After realizing that these emotions were not going away I decided that it was best if I left school and went home to find counseling and get my thoughts together.

Things have improved but all the pain is still there, so deeply embedded it sometimes feels as if it will never go away. I just want to understand why I feel like this. I know that the abortion was the right decision so why can't I just go on?

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.