Aborted Women: In Their Own Words

My Story: Fear, Violence, and a Second Chance

by Sonya L

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I was 14 when I killed my child. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of my mom, of what she might do. Afraid of every thing. I knew the life inside me was a baby. My conscience understood it was a life I would be taking. But I didn't care. Not at first. I was rebellious, angry, and a messed up kid.

My baby was at 15 weeks. The doctor performed a suction abortion. I remember screaming and telling them to stop, but it was too late. I just lay there and cried. Then I hated the whole world. If I were not dead before that, I certainly was then. I spent five days in the hospital with complications. There were parts of my baby left and a nasty infection developed. My mom found out anyway. She responded exactly the way I expected her to. Curious, isn't it? She's why I wanted an abortion, but it didn't make it any better.

My life was filled with ups and downs, too many to mention, all before I turned 17. That is when things changed. I became saved and God cleaned my life up. This is only the beginning of the story.

I'm twenty seven now, and a single mom of a 17 month old son. Another unplanned pregnancy. This time it was rape. How different these two pregnancies were. The first time I chose to have sex and desperately wanted my baby to die. The second time I was forced into sex and desperately wanted my baby to live. Perhaps it was age, but I think it was perspective.

I was sexually abused as a child and that caused some damage, plus the complications from the abortion and all the damage I'd done to myself. The doctors suggested that I abort. Their reasons: 1) I would never be able to carry my child to term, and 2) I could die if I tried. I had an incompetent cervex and they were afraid the placenta would rupture and my uterus would not stretch.

I was frightened, but I knew I could not kill another one of my children. I hemmoraged for 6 weeks. I thought I would die. There was nothing anyone could do except wait to see what would happen. I was put on bed rest. But then I delivered a healthy baby boy at 35 weeks. He had minor complications at first, but now he is fine.

I have had a recurring case of cervical cancer that I've been watching for six years now. It came back while I was pregnant. After a conization and the damage that's been done, I know that I won't be able to carry another child. My son, from rape, is the only child I will ever have. He came just in time.

I love him with all my heart. If the doctors had their way he would be dead too. How proud I feel to be his mom. How unworthy I feel to even be able to behold the precious gift of life that God has given me. After all, I thought so little of it the first time.

Sonya is now the Development Director of a crisis pregancy center. (After having been a client.)

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Posted 12 Sep 2000.